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I Am The Guy That Writes Your Name On Your Starbucks Cup



I am the guy that writes your name in black marker on your Starbucks cup. I probably write around five hundred customers’ names every day. Recently, it has come to my attention that people are not always satisfied with the name I’ve written. In fact, many people say that the names are often wildly inaccurate and they want to know why I can never get it right. Allow me to explain why:
I am fucking with you.
I didn’t mishear your name, I’m not illiterate, and your name is not difficult to spell. I am deliberately misspelling your name in order to confuse and annoy you. It’s the best part of my job and I will never stop.
Let me assure you, everyone in the world knows how to spell ‘Jessica.’Literally everyone. I decided to write ‘Gessika’ on your cup in order to play with your emotions in a shrewd and calculating way. And it worked. You posted about it on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr, and you complained about it to everyone at your office. I’m in your head now.
Allow me to talk you through my fiendish thought process. When I hear a customer’s name, I immediately think “how can I spell this name in an obnoxious way that will infuriate and perplex them?” Often, this involves swapping out a letter for a similar sounding letter. For example, writing ‘Khris’ instead of ‘Chris.’ It’s a small change, but people still hate it. Other times, I like to really fuck with people’s minds by spelling their name in a way that barely contains any of the correct letters. Like that time I wrote ‘Nykal’ instead of ‘Michael.’ Oh man, that guy legitimately looked like he was going to have a mental breakdown when he saw that.
But every once in a while, I’ll spell your name correctly. You’ll pick up your order and be delighted to discover that your name was spelled right today. You’ll forget about all the previous spelling errors and think that maybe things are starting to look up for you. That’s what I want you to think. I’m lulling you into a false sense of security. This isn’t over. It’s never over.
[Visit his website and read his writing on McSweeney’s and Onion News Network]

(Source: hothotphone)

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